Waiting for Twinkle

So today is Twinkle's due date, and it seems like there is a ton of anticipation in the community. I am restless waiting for this child that I feel like I have been waiting for for so long, far longer than the nine months that this one has been growing in my belly. I have been wanting a second child for a long time, but my longings were met with real comments from my husband that we were too poor, and that Malcolm was too young for another one. Both of those were probably true at the time, but when this little one started to grow and we were settled into a decent house, Malcolm was almost four, weaned, and starting to become independent and I was 36, I thought now is my shot. I am not letting anything in the way of having this baby. So I fought to get Medicaid since my insurance had just ended , settled into a new job, and continued my grad school application, but I felt better because I just felt our family would not be complete without one more.

Frankly, I am totally privileged to be able to make that choice at all when so many Black women before me could not. So I feel like I have fought like hell for this baby, and now I am waiting and waiting. Text messages are streaming in, facebook is lighting up, people from Colorado are calling my mother, and Malcolm keeps talking to my belly telling this baby to come out. There have been contractions for weeks, the mucus plug is gone, and still nothing. My water won't break. Geoffrey is being very African. He says, "Only in America do women expect birth to work according to the numbers on the calendar." But I want my baby, feel guilty for having time off to care for someone that does not want to arrive, am struggling to hold onto my belief in natural childbirth, and am increasingly tempted by the nurse midwives offer of pitocin.

I have told everyone to stop asking for status updates every fifteen minutes, and am really beginning to see that this child must be a girl because it behaves much more like me than its brother. Geoffrey was a month early. Malcolm was a week early. I was a month late (after three attempted inductions of pitocin, and the birth resulted in several longlasting complications).

Twinkle, dear one, we soo want to see you and behold you and know who you are. The community waiting for you is full of people from all around the world, the US, various parts of Africa, Russia, Latin America and more. We are mostly progressive and deeply committed to healing this messed up world which previous generations did not manage to put straight. WE desperately want to see you and shower you with love from your big brother, mama, baba, grandma, uncles, aunties and more. Please, please come soon! We are waiting, but we do know that you know your time more than any of us. I will try to honor your choice about when to arrive and wait in anticipation of hearing your voice. We all love you already. Our family is held up by so many hands that even if we fall a while I am sure that it shall be into an embrace. Please dear child come!