The Illusion of the Fourth Trimester

Everywhere I go lately people say "What a tiny little baby! Is this your first outing?" They inevitably fail to notice the four and a half year old standing next to me, and because I began this sentence with the words "Everywhere I go" it should be clear that the answer is no, it is not her first outing. To be clear we have certainly had our days and our moments staring at each other on the bed. I have watched Salome gazing at the beautiful beads that were given to us at the Blessingway. We laid together on the sandy beach, recovering and nursing while Malcolm flew kites with Uncle Naniel or played with trucks with Daddy or Grandma, but it has not been the same as the sleep -in Babymoon that I had with Malcolm.

When Salome was born at the end, I felt my body totally ripped open. I still hurt and tense when thinking about that last part, which even though the midwife told me it was only about seven minutes of pushing, is just a blur of pain and the terrifying feeling that I couldn't do it and that my body was in control not me. It is odd to think of Salome coming into the world that way because she is such a mellow being, and when I look at her we are such reflections of each other. She even prefers to sleep in all the positions I had to put myself in in order to birth her. But it is also true that I do not have as much time to gaze and reflect upon her. I would love my truth to be the reality that all the people I greet think that I must be living.

My actual truth is that on the first week Geoffrey had time off, my mother was here, and it seems like Nathaniel was around a bit. People were good at coming by to drop off food and ooh and aah at the baby. Many of them stayed too long and rendered me exhausted, but community was in tact. It still was not sleeping in with the baby the way that I envisioned which involved rarely leaving our bed except to use the bathroom. People began insisting that I come downstairs to eat very early on, and once downstairs I was fully in the chaos of family life. And I was always concerned about Malcolm so with part of my attention on the baby, part on my first born and part on healing, I usually felt like I didn't have enough time in any department and felt I was doing a disservice to someone somewhere.

Also, I was totally unprepared for how much nursing Salome would hurt. The cramps with nursing the second time around are so much more intense. While I say that she is not as aggressive of a nurser as Malcolm, I may not have been as generous of a mama because with every feeding I was anticipating the cramping that would come and she wanted to feed always and randomly.

Now, the men are back to work and are rarely seen it seems. My mother has left and while Salome is not yet one month old she is going with me to drop Malcolm at pre-school or to WIC appointments or to his music and swim class and the grocery store because I am the mom and have to do those things. I really wish that I had all the support to let someone else run all the errands and stay home with the kiddos, but Malcolm does need to be out and about and frankly he works harder than anyone else in this house to help me with his sister. He changes diapers, sings to her, pushes her in the baby swing, cuddles her and covers her in kisses, and helps me give her her vitamins in the morning. He even interprets her cries for me!

I am very grateful for the meals and playdates that our community has provided. I just wish it didn't feel like it was ending quite yet. On the other hand maybe if I look like I have been home resting while I have been trying to run around and care for the two kids, myself, the cat and the three chickens then maybe I am keeping it all together.

Stay tuned for pictures. I really want to post pictures and birth announcements, but I think right now I am going to go have tea and cuddles while the boy is at school.